I have this urge to re-visit people from my past, and show them how I’ve changed. I want them to see that I’m not the person that I was back when they knew me; I’m not as weird and awkward, not as arrogant and boastful, not as naive or clueless.
I’ve done some really cringe-worthy and embarrassing things in the past. Things I thought were cool or funny at the time, or things that I didn’t mean to do (like saying something hurtful, or coming across as creepy or needy). I often worry that that’s the way I’ll be remembered; as an annoying loser, a spineless fool, a nerdy little know-it-all that doesn’t actually know as much as he thinks. I’m scared that I’ll never be able to show those people that I’ve grown; that I’m a better person now, someone that I can actually kind of feel proud of. Yeah, I still make mistakes; but nothing like the way I used to.
A lot of it comes down to needing closure. There are too many things that I left unresolved, in ways that don’t show me in a very favourable light.
There were girls that got caught in my internal battle between being strictly religious and indulging my innate desire to be with someone. If it was confusing for them, it was even more so for me. I now know exactly who I am and what I want.
There were times in high school where I made a fool of myself, trying too hard to fit in or be liked. During my first year of uni, I was bouncing off the walls trying to figure out what I wanted to be doing in my day to day life. Now, I’m much more self confident, and not nearly as erratic as I used to be. I’m focused, driven, and determined.
I’m just not that person anymore.
Above all, I want to meet up with the girl who bore the brunt of my depression; who was there for me when it felt like no one else was. I want to see her and say “look – this is who I really am. This is me when I’m not falling apart. This is what it’s like to not feel dragged down every time you’re around me. This is a me that you’d be glad to be around”. I want her admiration and her approval, and I want her to be proud of who I’ve become. I also just want to thank her, and tell her I miss her.
I just hate to think that there are things I did so long ago that could define what people think of me – that they’d judge me based on such an isolated and obsolete experience. I am still a work in progress, but I have come so far.
And if they saw who I’ve become, maybe this time round they’d like me.