Two and a half months in, and I absolutely love it here.
I hang out with my new Canadian friends, play soccer and go ice skating almost every day, explore Ottawa and travel to nearby cities, carve pumpkins, and randomly check out hipster Canadian movies with talking bears. I write, cook, eat, bludge, explore, and volunteer. With zero serious commitments, I get to do whatever I like; I get to focus on me. Cliché alert – this has been a trip of a life time.
But in all honesty; I’m exhausted.
I’m tired of being a traveller, and tired of being so far from home. As much as I’m genuinely loving it here, every now and then I get a little homesick, and I really wasn’t expecting much of that at all.
I miss Wollongong. I miss my car, my guitar, my niece, my favourite grocery stores (weirdly enough), my university and my jobs; and I miss the warm beaches that I grew up on.
I miss being around the few people I can be entirely open with. The relationships that make you feel emotionally safe and supported, that are effortless and natural; they don’t just happen overnight. I feel like being here for only 3 months means that there’s always going to be a limit to the depth of my relationships. I’ve been able to build friendships with some amazing people while I’ve been here in Canada, but I’m over feeling like just a temporary passerby in people’s lives – especially with the people I wish I could be close with.
A lack of close emotional support is something that’s always been a challenge in my life, but it hits hard when you travel. I can feel really fragile and vulnerable sometimes, especially whenever I feel the novelty and excitement wearing off. There are days when I just really need a hug, and it seems like there’s no one around to turn to; that’s when I feel it most. It’s definitely not something I can easily talk about with people I’ve only just met, and talking to people at home can often make me feel their absence even more. This emotional turmoil just makes me wish I was at home, back within my comfort zone.
But the twist? I know that when I finally do get home, it won’t be long before I’m yearning to be away again on another adventure. I’ll be sticking travel quotes on my wall, scanning the net for overseas opportunities, and sitting in class wishing I was back in Canada.
I’m here, and I love my life here; yet part of me yearns for home. But I’ll be at home, feeling all safe and comfortable, and I’ll be desperate to jet off all over again.
Forever torn between the two: my dear readers, that is the Traveller’s Dilemma.